LilParasiteTales | ANGRY & DISAPPOINTED

Beneath all those smiles is a really really pissed pregnant lady.

Here at the 5th month of my pregnancy, instead of celebrating the milestone..i am still wondering if all of this was a huge mistake. Just recently the father of lil parasite asked me, is it alright if he got himself another partner. Anyone's reaction is to stab that useless fucker in the face a million times over, first of all you already left me with a burden made for 2 people, the amount of pain i have to go through whenever i am reminded that this child inside of me is yours as well, and for all you know it might strongly resemble you (who knows), and i have to live with that reminder the rest of my life while you can go frolic around looking for new companions. 
But then again, i can't stop you for wanting to do anything with your life except hope that karma shall hit you soon enough (sooner the better). A coward like you who promised to at least have the courtesy to inform your mother but never did, while imagine the amount of disappointment i had to put my own mother through when i first told her the news but you couldn't man up (wait, men are weak & useless, they should grow vaginas instead since that's tougher) to tell yours.

I am just so ANGRY & DISAPPOINTED.
with both him & myself. 

It's like my whole life was nothing but disappointments because the universe only allows me to cross paths with idiots like these. I don't need them in my life and yet they always play a huge role in screwing it further (naturally).
Lil Parasite, i am sorry that you are a partial product of a useless faggot and i can understand if one day you decide to meet him and kill him on my behalf instead. I'll forgive and love you no matter what because that ass doesn't deserve to live anyway.
Just like the majority of his population which tend to be useless & selfish too, just take this as a life lesson to never grow up like him, instead make it your mission to wipe them off the face of the earth.

I know you can hear me well and clear my dear parasite, even feel what i am feeling all this while. The long nights i cry myself to sleep when there is no one to comfort me, nights when sacrifice my sleep to work non stop because i needed the money to raise you, when i am constantly thinking that i should have aborted you instead but didn't because your kicks always responded to those tyrannical thoughts.

It's like inside of me you were telling me so badly that you want to live but i am not giving you a chance to do so if i had rid of you from the start.

What kind of terrible mother i am to have such thoughts especially when i told myself from the start that i will keep you till the very end, guess it's just human nature to be scared and have all those irrational thoughts surfacing at your most vulnerable mental state. As much as i tried not to let them affect me but it can't be helped, i tried. I seriously did.
But i am still human with emotions and needs as well just like everyone else except i have no where to pour them out too except to you whom might be sick and tired to hear my cry all the time. Sorry.
Wish i could be a happy, carefree mom who sings & talks to her child daily assuring it that everything will be alright because for my case it's NEVER going to be fine.

Many times i envied my friends who's life is just so perfect in every way, blessed with looks, talents, great career, wonderful supportive partners and last but not least beautiful babies to complete their lives. They might have couple squabbles here and there but at the end of they day neither of them walked away from the responsibility of raising the child, having that alone is already considered DAMN LUCKY compared to the rest of us who falls into the highest percentage of "ordinary people" category who don't get such luxury in life.
But what's the point, life is never fair to begin with- The rich gets everything without lifting a finger while the poor works their asses off to meet ends but never gets anywhere.

Don't bother telling me to go for counseling just because i have a history of severe depression which means i am prone to it during my pregnancy and postpartum depression. I might just stab those useless counselors in the face for pretending to give those "I know it all, I've been in your shoes bullshit" when all they ever do is stick their faces into books. Why don't you try being depressed for REAL before trying to so call help others with their condition which is deemed as a disease by society.

Coming to terms with my problems isn't the problem, i have accepted the fact of my actions and these are the consequences but what i couldn't accept is how HEARTLESS can one be.
And me being a gullible idiot who always believe there is good in people despite what others say, it's just that they are not given the chance to prove themselves otherwise before being judged. You have no idea how many chances i have given these type of people but again and again without fail they prove themselves exactly what society condemns them to be. Maybe it's about time i should just give up trying to see the good in others because it's just a waste of time and effort at the end of the day, gives me unnecessary stress only.


Is it wrong for me to curse my ex partner to a life of solidarity for what he has done, that he does't deserve happiness for making me suffer alone in this parenthood journey?
tempting isn't it?

"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."-Romans 12:17-21

My religion (well, technically it's my parent's) tells me to forgive my enemies as they do not know any better  but as a grown adult the "not knowing better excuse" seems invalid there.
Well..he does what he wants to with his life but at the end of the day what goes around, comes around and by then i just hope it's hundredfold. Just a reminder for all men with dicks out there, take responsibility for your shits instead of taking the easy way out because not everyone is as nice as i am. Really.
Being a nice person always have their disadvantages, everyone steps on you thinking that it's alright because you'll forgive them but hey, why don't i step on your face for once instead?

There's so much more to rant but i am just so tired right now to even type anymore, guess i'll call this a night and continue some other time.




Angry, Disappointed & Bloated,

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