I once sat down with a tarot card reader this year to get my fate read after i broke up with my ex, i got the "upright empress". Everyone sees The Empress as a powerful card as it's one of the major arcana, but reading it in two different directions has very different meanings as well.
Upright basically means: Fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance meanwhile the reverse is obviously the negative part.
Though i've never mentioned this before, i did lost a child last year early 2015 and it was still an early stage when i was told there probably wasn't any heartbeat. It was indeed my breaking point at that time and with a rocky relationship it didn't helped either. I blamed myself for the loss, wondered how would the child be if it have lived. But life went on, things turned out ugly and this is where i am today, single, sad and tired of living.
A mutual friend of ours has a girlfriend who does tarot card reading, apparently from what i heard that my ex had his reading some time ago which end with undesired results for his relationship but as usual we aren't solid believers as we take everything in with a pinch of salt.
When she offered to give me a reading, i too didn't think too much about it because what do i have to lose over a reading right?
From the cards i have chosen, my path would most definitely be complicated (abuden, since when has it never been lol) but my silver lining was the empress, in whatever i've decided to for this year, things will change for the better. Being the usual skeptical pessimistic me, i laughed at this reading and thought "sure boh?"Looking on how things are turning out at this point, roughly 50% of the reading came true la, probably sheer luck *shrug shoulders* but who knows right since the universe is a mystery after all.
But i am somehow strongly convinced that my natural card was "THE REVERSED FOOL" or "THE DEVIL" instead of the empress.
With all that aside, now moving on to the main topic-
It's true when they say you CAN'T be friends with your ex-s, no matter what approach you try things will never be the same between the both of you. I used to deny those words as i personally felt it was just words of a childish author contributing to this website called Elite Daily. Not do say that all their articles are true, but it does give you something to ponder about from time to time and even some laughs on how ridiculous their relationship ideals can be. Recently after a brief meeting with my ex to catch up and see if he is still digesting this change properly as i am already in my 3rd trimester with less than 3 months more before the lil guy is out to greet the world, not that i am asking anything of him, in fact i want nothing from him but at least some respect as a friend (whom i considered him to be till this very day but now regretting) which is obvious that he isn't willing to act like this whole entire thing didn't happen despite me assuring him a billion times over that it's alright and you don't have to be part of the baby's life as a father but a friend when i need help.
That probably freaked him out even more, sigh..why does men have to make things so complicated?
If i as a women can look past all these things and move on, why can't you as well? Why let the fear control you when you should own up to your mistakes and confront them head on.
Instead he is living in the shadows, hiding skeletons in his closet (i don't know how long he is planning to do that too) and constantly blaming me for trying to be in his life.
I am just trying to be a friend like i always had, then time when you had crushes on my friends and how i i tried to set you guys up but all those failed because you were too cowardly and the type who gives up easily, to think of it that's what you are all this while and nothing has changed. From the boy i knew and fell for till the man you are today, you are still a coward, a fool to think that you can control everything with money, how typical.
I'm sorry that your father hates you too lil parasite.
If an innocent baby like you can bring a trembling grown man to his knees, i know you are destined for greater things.
Flash news, I DON'T NEED your money and i don't want any of it. You think money solves the problem we have between us? First of all you abandoned us, fine I've came to terms and accepted that. I even respected your wishes by not telling your parents as you assured me (fucking liar) that you will tell them about this but you didn't which i don't think you will ever do at this point after our latest conversation. Why does my mom have to go through the pain knowing her child was knocked up and left for good while the guy just cuts and run?
You think i didn't risk having myself being disowned again by breaking this news to her? How selfish can you really be, giving me excuses like you don't want to ruin your relationship with your parents and the fear of being kicked out of the house. All these excuses just sums up on how childish you really are for a 27 year old man, i got kicked out at the age of 18 without any money to pay for rent and college, but heck i did survive even though i paid off my fees with dirty money but at least i worked hard to earn it.
What about you?
Having your whole entire life being sheltered and spoonfed, creating an image of a "perfect and faultless obedient" son facade to deceive your parents on how much of an asshole you are in reality. That's just disappointing, so don't ever blame our child for being the reason your life might eventually go downhill from here, blame yourself and your cowardliness that you have brought upon yourself.
Sure, go ahead and blame me for forcing myself in your life, wanting to be there for you despite all the shit that has happened in between those 7 years. I did it because i wanted to, before love i did it as a friend and till this very day i'll continue doing so even after you have shunned me away.
Seeing how lonely and anti-social you were when we first met made me sympathize you, how your "friends" called you names, laughed behind your back because of your arrogance but guess i was wrong to assume you needed a friend after all. I've just made an ass out of myself, and you ending up hating my guts more than ever to even said what you did last night. Yes, i am just a nuisance to you.
It does really hurt me to the core, but what do you care right?
Since people like you only care for themselves and only do things if it's within their self interest, if not don't even bother approaching them for charity as they will just look down on you, as they have no compassion at all.
Never did i put so much effort into a person like i did for you, in return instead of a thanks i got slapped in the face with harsh words. Yea, you were trying to be honest (so you said) but making it sound that everything i did was nothing to you hurts even more. Really? Everything? So all those words of "thanks" were nothing but utter bullshit to my face? Wow.
People do talk, not to agree or disagree with them as they have their mouths which we can't control, maybe they are right in some way that we are better off without each other. But we both know that one way or another we can never be free from each other whether you like it or not dumbass, it's about time for you to just accept the fact and make things right instead of hiding under that rock.
I can loose a boyfriend, husband or partner (whatever you call it) but what i can't bear to loose is a friend, to me you always will be but to you that friendship probably never existed in the first place.
Respecting someone but not getting it back in return is downright disappointing from a man who says he honors his every word (right). I do hope whichever girls you date now or near future would learn the true person behind all those facades you put on before even deciding to get involved with you. With all the shit behavior and excuses you give, think you are qualified to write a book on "How to be An ASSHOLE 1-0-1".
Call me delusional like the crazy girl i always am who never learns much from her past, guess that's just me being perfectly stubborn or asking for it.
All i want is for my child to have a father, a man he/she can look up to and grow up in a normal family environment but instead now it has to suffer along with me as i have to work multiple jobs to save up, doubt i'll have time to even watch my kid grow up and he/she will grown to hate me for never being there for things like their birthdays, sports days, etc (because i did hated my parents once for not being there for me, so i know that feeling all too well). I know at this stage i should be resting more, worrying less and getting ready to welcome my bundle of joy but i can't because realistically i can't afford to do so.
I'm honestly fucking scared that the baby will be here soon and there isn't any one close (except my mom) to hold my hand in the labor room, makes want to just give up and just die. I'm really tired, i know i've said this so many times but that's the only words can describe how i really feel all this while. Fighting on to make sure my lil parasite grows healthy and steady but my soul is drained, there's no spark to even indicate life within anymore, i did try to make some changes but none of them worked, if i could live long enough to see the lil guy being welcomed into the world that would be a blessing to me already. Inside i am already good as dead, just waiting for my body to shut down on its own as for now i'm just a soulless vessel who functions because it needs to for the baby's growth. Fingers crossed that he'll be there to put his name on your papers lil guy, if not i've to go through the whole tiring process of finding a legal guardian who is willing to have their names in your birth certificate if he decides to pull another selfish stunt and chicken out last minute. You know..the tempt to screw him over so badly is real right now, i can drive up to his place anytime and tell his parents or just dump the baby at his doorstep but then i'll just let karma play her part gracefully instead of interfering with her plans.
All the pain (physically & mentally) i have to endure because i chose to do this on my own doesn't make a a strong woman but a foolish one to be honest. So i don't understand why do people admire me for that, why would anyone want to put themselves through hell when it can be avoided, it's true that we learn from the hardship but i am sure there's other ways of learning than having pain as their mentor.
I probably need a holiday so badly to get away from all of this, been always telling myself to drop everything and run away somewhere to start a new life in a place where no one knows me or any of my history. If only i can afford a holiday or to drop off the commitments i have in hand la (obviously i can't) sigh.
Guess, that's enough depressing blog entry for the night now go reward yourself for reading my crap. For more details click this post.