Told myself that i would update my blog on my monthly pregnancy progress, but got kinda occupied with tons of things these days aside from being extra tired than usual. Gotta cut back on my work (i wish) and blogging abit more, take things slow and easy whenever i can since work stress isn't helping my usual pregnancy stress levels as well.
It takes alot of effort to actually get something to bug me to the point of being restless as there's just too many things going on in my life and not everything gets my 100% attention at this point of time because priorities. Driving home late every night gave me some time to think about certain things which i shouldn't even be thinking about because i might just end up jinxing myself, fml and it did not help that this few things are constantly resurfacing in my brain every time when i am alone in a quiet space like my car.
Every mother has her own fears, especially being not good enough because we humans set really ridiculous and unrealistic standards for ourselves thinking that we can be better than others without realizing that sort of mindset can actually eat you from the inside from being too hard on yourself and also jeopardize your kid's mental state.
So just to share or more like vomit all these out, here are some of the things i really need to get it off my shoulders to breathe and sleep easy tonight (hopefully).
I am my own demons, that's a fact and there's no denying it.
But my fears are always things that i unintentionally predict for myself, making me one of the most unluckiest person on earth because of such a wretched gift. The old folks here used to call it "mulut masin" which translated literally as "salty mouth" but the meaning behind it means "One who predicts what they say". Laugh all you want thinking that i might be bonkers to believe such things but like i said many times before, the universe is infinite, so anything is possible and it's whether you choose to believe or not. And i believe that some of us just have a weird gift of saying things we don't actually mean but somehow does happen, call it dejavu if you may but one too many times seems rather weird for a coincidence.
1. Blood Matters
Little did i know that i was supposed to get myself tested on my blood condition (not only your typical glucose levels) during the earlier stage of my pregnancy, which i was ignorant to assume that i was "fine" all this while because from all the tests i did it, i always thought the procedure was the same- fast, draw blood and wait for results.
But now i know that results varies based on what you are actually paying the lab to look for and each sample drawn is enough for a single purpose. The father of my child has a genetic blood disorder condition called thalassemia, which i will not go into detail but when you read up on this condition you too as a pregnant lady would be as paranoid as i am, as if both parents are carriers chances of your baby survival is close to "0", if the baby does survive then it will probably suffer alot of complications which would be more merciful to let the kid go that to live.
From my previous blood tests, i only know that i am a low blood pressure (anemia) and a universal blood type of "O" which isn't much of use since i am the one that needs the transfusion more than i can actually give out lel. Useless universal donor, i know. Medical history isn't something openly discussed in my family, so when one by one of us starts dropping like flies that's the only time one of us pops the question but so far nothing too serious so neither of them see the point of it worth mentioning. That's how i assumed that i was totally "NORMAL" all this while till my recent attempt to transfer and register at the government hospital to give birth, my previous blood test was rejected when the nurse handling my registration asked about my ex-partner (yes, she gave me the judgmental look, typical prudes) blood history condition. So now i have to produce two blood test results for the hospital's reference (in case anything goes wrong), sounds rather "ma fan" for something simple as paying for a room to push the baby out. Bugger.
Gonna make another blog post to share about my experience with goverment hospitals so if you are planning to give birth in one, it's a good reference to weigh out the pros and cons.
Just a couple days ago i went back all the way to my original obgyn in Kajang for another blood test to confirm that i am not a thalassemia carrier as well, am keeping my fingers crossed the test results will come back negative so i can finally sleep in peace. Even if i was, please let is be something minor as well.
Though this case is rare for a child to die upon given birth as most stillborns die in the womb which can happen anytime without warning (most cases are unexplained by the way), but there is still a risks like unexpected suffocation due to umbilical cord being entangled around the baby's neck during labor and not being removed on time, and a few others. The thought of it alone sure is terrifying, there's just so many possibilities of things that could go wrong and most of it is beyond our control. Just hope it doesn't have to end that way, no new mother deserve to know such news that her child is gone even before she has met them.
3. Childbirth Pains
Been getting asked alot lately on what's my choice of giving birth, just to humor these "kepochi"(busybody) people i would just say natural. Because logically that's the only method i can afford with my savings and it isn't cheap to give birth at all compared to 20 years ago when prices were still considered decent. Sure i would opt for C-sec so that at least my vagina wouldn't have to be cut because that sounds more painful than getting a horizontal slit below my belly. Some people would beg to defer but that ain't my problem as we all have different perspective on how we want to do things and no one should force their silly ideals unto someone just because they think that they are "always right". True no doubt that people who gave birth naturally tends to heal faster according to my obgyn, c-sec should be used as a last resort in case of unforeseen complications which i hope doesn't happen because i will end up having to pay for both methods- natural birth & c-sec which could easily cost nearly 3k (fml) and that's just government rate ya, imagine if it was private the price is definitely 100 times more. My lil parasite, please be a good girl and don't give mommy a hard time, be in position when the time is ready k?
Speaking of methods of childbirth, another topic is "EPIDURAL" aka painkillers, those large ass needles poked at the back of your lower spine before inserting a supply of "relief fluid" to make the labor more bearable but everything comes with a side effect of course. To request for that is additional costs as well and i am really not so confident with how these nurses in the government hospital administered it as i have quite a number of unpleasant experience with them stabbing me multiple times at the wrong places while trying to insert the IV drip :-/
It's my life at risk here, just hope they are at least better trained (fingers crossed) ones in the maternity ward. Maybe i should skip this step and take in all the pain instead, probably that sounds even better than getting a wrong stab on the back (literally), hope i am not going to regret this at all :(
And here's a drink to me and my poor bank account, cheers.
So don't question me when i am working my ass off and sacrificing my sleep to earn extra moolah to cover my medical expenses unless you guys are donating to me ok?
Another one of every mother's worst nightmare, not being able to feed her own baby due to unfortunate low supply of breast milk. No matter how hard they try to boost it, some bodies are just made that way, so one can't do anything about it. I've read many cases of mothers asking supplies from other lactating mothers regardless strangers, friends or family members, which i honestly think its an honorable thing for another fellow mother to supply to those in need especially if she has an overly healthy supply of breast milk. I myself started noticing that i have early signs of lactation as early as 28 weeks but it's really (really) mild, not to the point i needed breast pads to keep them in check but i am not trying to get my hopes too high to avoid any disappointment that might potentially occur once lil parasite is out.
Tell me how not to worry my head out like that when everything in this world can go wrong just like that? ._.
5. Not being good enough
Last but not least, this is something everyone question themselves daily (don't lie ok) but i find mothers have it toughest of all. Not all mothers have the luxury to be a stay at home mom while their spouse's income is sufficient enough to support the entire family (it's impossible unless you CEO level la) as cost of living is insane these days, there's never a day that goes by i ask myself whether i am financially stable till the end of the month after paying the bills and commitments i have but i do try to always allocated at least 20% of my monthly fixed pay for lil parasite's savings which can be used for education purposes when she grows up but that leaves me with just enough to pay rent, bills, my car, medical and food for the next 28 days before the next pay check comes in but of course side gigs from copy writing and blogging does help ease the burden a little.
But my concern isn't just focus on financial, it's more of my child's growth, whether i will be there for her when she needs me or she'll just end up like me who barely saw my parents except for night time as i was raised by a babysitter while both parents had to go out and work.
I really to envy those "mom bloggers" who just stays at home and claim that their main source of income is generated through their blog, which i am really doubtful as that doesn't sound like a smart thing to do as well as based from my experience it's constantly chasing clients for delayed payments unless you already have a sustainable source a.k.a your ATM husband la.
But they get to be with their kid 24/7 to tend to every single needs, from their first baby steps to their first words, all those precious moments i can imagine loosing just like that just because i am unable to be there due to work. It's really heartbreaking to think of all the things i have to sacrifice so that i can provide a roof over our heads, so to those who think that a blogger's life is always rainbow an unicorns, then you are following the wrong kind of people as they are planting unrealistic expectations unto society.
Here's my story as a REAL person, not just a blogger but as a human with daily problems just like everyone else in the world, except not everyone are as vocal and brutally honest as i am when it comes to life.
Before i end my blogpost, want to express my heart felt thank you to one of my blog readers for sending me such a thoughtful mommy & baby gift, she's also a mother by the way so she sure knows what an expecting mother like me would need :)
This is lil parasite's first fan gift, she can only says thank you in kicks at the moment and i'll make sure she wears these cute baby clothes with pride when the time comes!
Thank you so much again Ciel!