LilParasiteTales | The Journey, Not the End (YET)

Don't think i would want to experience another pregnancy in my entire life again if i have to do this alone. One is enough, and it was a struggle to deal with everything on my own from pains to having to find ways to comfort my own-self because i had no one at that point of time. Pregnancy was supposed to be a journey taken by 2 people, sharing their ups and downs, the man holding his partner's hand and comfort her in times of need but let's just say i am one of those people who are destined to not walk the same path as others out there. Everything in my life was plain unconventional, from taking my first steps to becoming a mother myself everything was a mess and yet i still managed to pull through every single time. I hated this line alot "God's testing you", hell to that because it's more like i am being used for some imaginary dude's amusement rather than a test that's supposed to bring out the best in me, instead it has brought out the real me that doesn't give 2 f*cks about life anymore. I'm just tired.


Tired of being different, tired of struggling so much to keep myself from drowning and i constantly ask myself when will all this ever end? Or maybe i should end things myself, having this question repeated in my head daily does sound like a tempting sweet surrender. But then what? Leave my poor lil parasite alone in this world to fend for herself like how i did just because her mother is one selfish a*sshole like her dad?
Sounds pretty depressing to not be able to hold her hand and watch her grow.


Liar.


What ever happened to my happily ever after? Had none to begin with, all life ever had to offer to me was nothing but despair. It honestly does hurts me alot to think of my ex who will eventually have someone in his life that he would want to spend the rest of his life with while i'm just here, with my daughter struggling. It always felt that i was put on earth to experience every single bitterness any human can encounter in their life time, from being molested and nearly raped as a minor to having someone shattering my heart into a million piece leaving me to pick them up again and the biggest burden of all is caring for another human being.
 So tell me? Where's the happily ever after we were promised as children, it's obvious that Walt Disney lied because he didn't have one either, but at least he died a legend. Me? I'm just gonna die like everyone else, another nameless and wasted human being.

Everytime i look at his clothes bundle at the corner of my rented house, i can't help thinking about how much happier he is right now without me in his life. It's pretty one sided because i am feeling so miserable everyday since the day he left me while he's out there frolicking like nothing has happened or changed. This sadness is really eating me up inside faster than i imagined, i really need something to numb me of these feelings and the tears that won't stop pouring because this really needs to stop. Constant mental breakdowns isn't easy to deal with, makes functioning on a day to day basis even harder than it already is especially having to deal with society pressure as well.

Ignore everyone else, their words shouldn't matter but the truth is despite practicing those, some parts of it does manage to seep its way into our lives slowly and deadlier than an immediate full blown impact. That's the power of words, a gift (more like curse) of mankind that shouldn't be taken lightly.



This pregnancy journey has been a bittersweet one, from all the obstacles i had to face alone to anxiously waiting the arrival of lil parasite but it didn't feel like 9 months has passed at all. Is this the result of being too focused on trying to survive, worrying and working too much?
Probably because i swore it felt like yesterday i just found out when i was first with lil parasite and the only significant changes were my ever growing heavy belly, other than that my life is pretty much stagnant and uninteresting per say. Haven't been able to sew at all with the back and rib pains + constant fatigues, my supposed plans to create a mommy and baby fashion line that will never take flight at this point lel but what to do *shrug shoulders*


On the bright side, i got my blood test results that i am not a thalassemia carrier, but due to one one parent being severely anemic and the other with mutated blood cells, lil parasite is probably gonna been one heck of a weak baby from the low blood count. Well, more Iron rich food for us and crossing fingers that blood transfusion isn't something she needs frequently. That's my only "GOOD" news for this month.

If only there was an easy solution like popping a magical pill for these excruciating pregnancy symptoms think every expecting mother would have eagerly took it without thinking twice. Imagine how life would be so much more easier without those pesky body aches, headaches, tiredness, swelling limbs. The amount of times i have to pull at the side of the road for short naps these past few months or else i would have gotten into a car accident from nodding off, the back and rib pains i have to suck it up when stuck in the jam/ office and unable to change my sitting position to elevate the pressure, makes me want to cry from the pain every single time. There's so many things we pregnant mothers have to endure that normal people can't relate to but yet they make it sound as it we are giving them "excuses".

Honestly before i was even pregnant, i too thought all these things like eating for 2, sleeping alot were just excuses they give to use the "entitled pregnancy card" but not till i was in their shoes, there is a reason behind their actions. I do sincerely apologize to all mothers and take back every one of those thoughts and accusations.
 It's not something we WANT to do like eat so much and gain weight (so unattractive wei), but it's the package that comes along with the pregnancy like it or not, so many give and takes there. One of the many sacrifices we have to make in order to give life to another human being, so when an inconsiderate asshole tells you that your condition is no excuse to not function properly. You have every right to tell them to piss off, because what do they know about being pregnant.

The reason why i brought up this topic is because of an recent encounter i had with the opposite sex who deliberately accuse me for always being "too tired" to perform certain daily tasks, i have a high tolerance towards many things but this takes the cake because it's insensitive of one to accuse a pregnant woman of her condition that she did not call upon herself. Yes, i did decided to keep my baby instead of going through another mentally excruciating abortion and i know the condition that comes along with it isn't desirable but what grounds do you (as a "man") have to throw such a ridiculous accusation on a woman who's just doing her duty in creating another human being?


Insensitive much?


There's just so many type of these people out there in this world, like how they discriminate mothers for publicly breastfeeding their child without thinking that they were once an infant who had to suck on their mother's breasts too for food. For those who simply throw discriminating words to mothers without thinking twice, please tell those exact same words to your OWN mother and see if she gives you a tight slap or disowns you.
We mothers work hard to make sure our child is born safe and sound into this world, given the best from roof over their heads, to good food and education, not for them to become ungrateful monsters like yourselves.  It really pisses me off to deal with such idiots, giving me necessary distress especially when i am at my most vulnerable state. If i wasn't this mentality and physically fragile, i would have taken more drastic actions against these type of people already without any mercy given. Considered myself pretty mellowed down or helpless at the moment, so the next best thing i can do is just silently cry or rant it out to feel abit better (doesn't help much compared to kickboxing).

Thank you asshole bullies for making mothers feel like shit especially when we are not literally covered in our own baby's shit. You guys don't deserve to be born at all or your parents did a terrible job raising monsters instead of human beings.

Also i am recovering well from the sudden infection that i have mysteriously contracted (no idea how) but according to my mom she says it's normal for all these problems to suddenly POP up when you least expect them to like my skin blistering and hives. We pregnant ladies are literally vulnerable, it's like our immune system decides to f*ck with us knowing we can't simply take any medication to counteract the problem. *KNS betul*.
It was a shock for me indeed to have those contractions that wouldn't go away, for a moment i thought lil parasite was ready to come out anytime and since i was temporary warded, i've experienced the public birthing room which was rather scary lol. For those of you who have no idea how the maternity section of goverment hospital works, make sure to subscribe and stay tune for the next blog post because it's gonna be a lengthy one including the costs, procedure and environment evaluation to help you on deciding which hospital you should pick next time.


Sorry for giving you guys a heart attack as well lol, so many messages came pouring in on which hospital to visit, etc.

Well, that's my rant for this month's #lilparasiteTales update, and yes i am very very scared of what is to come within these 2 more weeks.


I haven't decided on a name for lil parasite too lol.


Won't be taking the epidural because of my lower back problems due to an injury last year which was my mistake for not getting it checked due to my busy schedule. Probably a fracture because the pain feels exactly like when i first fractured my leg back in high school lol but can only confirm that with an xray AFTER lil parasite is out. If my mom could survive having 5 kids without epidural, i am pretty sure i will be able to as well though honestly i am chickening out here lol.
Just hope i don't pass out from the pain because that's what usually happens during my first day of period cramps and the birthing pain is supposedly equivalent to breaking every single bone in your body at the same time.


How many of you mothers skipped the epidural as well?
If you didn't, why did you pick it?
Do share with me your stories in the comment section below :)




A very worn out,

CONVERSATION

9 comments :

Jo Johari said...

Arisa ganbatte T___T

Ciel Elric said...

Walking a lot helped me skip the epidural cos my kid came out in less than 30mins LOL it was almost like poopin but he was so huge doc had to vacuum him...

Arisa Chow said...

Ciel: yea, was told to walk around the bed during contractions as well lol, i admire how you can withstand the pain >.<

Jo: thanks dear!

Yeoh LL said...

Jia you yeah! You can do it! (:

Celia said...

Oh my god I'm so dumb I just realized there's a donation button after following your blog for so long *facepalm*.

Anyways, I know the amount isn't much but I hope it helps at least a little. You are truly a strong woman and I really hope things will end well for you! Cheers.

zakuro11 said...

Ganbatte Arisa-sama :)
We will always supporting u

Cindyrina Rina said...

Super strong woman! Salute your positive spirit.I wish you great health always. Power of woman!

Tenshi Chn said...

Your strength mentally n emotionally is applaudable. You'll be some one many girls will look up to. Will support!

Can't wait see lil parasite!

Arisa Chow said...

Celia: OMG, thank you so much for the kind contribution dear T_T every amount counts, thank you so much!

Zakuro: Thank you!


CindyRina: I do try my best to be strong, thank you :)

Tenshi: Hope i am not setting a bad example to young girls supporting the idea of getting knocked up lol

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