Here i am typing this last entry for 2016 out at 5am in the morning, keeping my fingers crossed that it will be out before the clock strikes 12 midnight lol and no i did not purposely wake up early to have some "me time" as that's non- existent anymore with a baby around yo!
So whatever time i have awake i'll try to blog abit here and there. Just done sorting out about 30% of my stuff to be donated or sold off since i have no use for them anymore but the house mess is never ending *sobs*, it's like i can never have a nice clean house for once due to the amount of stuff accumulated over time and i'm kinda surprised myself that i have this ability of keeping (more like shoving everything away) stuff with the excuse "might have a use for it in the future" so from there forth the bad habit of hoarding unnecessary stuff like empty boxes, wrapping paper and other weird junks. So do look out on my page for stuff i am giving out for free or selling off at dirt cheap prices , also a reminder to potential freebie hoarders on my page- please don't be picky over free stuff and only take what you need.
Moving on, i am gonna cram everything i can in this final blogpost for 2016 and because i don't have the luxury of time and frankly rather lazy to write 3 entries also haha!
So bear with me another long winded post (as usual) and i am pretty surprise you guys actually read my entire post from top to bottom because i personally feel it can be tad too long at times and like my high school English teacher always say stop "writing a novel, keep it short and simple".
But i can't!! I have so many things to say la.
How would i grade myself from a scale of 1-10 as a new mom, i would say 3/10 and before you guys start judging me on how i do my job as a mom please take a mirror out and look at it for a good 10 minutes and ask yourself these questions- "Are you God? If No, don't judge others".
First month with a baby was a heck of a struggle indeed, so many mental meltdowns and constantly questioning myself whether i had made the right decision or not.
From trying to learn her baby ways, adjusting to my new body changes and in general it's like starting afresh as your old life is non existent anymore. You are literally reborn into this haggard, sleep deprived zombie called "MOM".
Whenever i am stuck in a situation that i can't figure out what's wrong with the baby and google isn't all that helpful , this would trigger my old depression scars. Those baby cries are just so scary lol.
And before you idiots start calling the social workers to my door, just so you know you are condemning me to my death by taking my daughter away from me. Hope karma hits you so bad and i'll swear to roam this earth as a restless soul to haunt those responsible for this.
It's like new mothers are not allowed to rant about their daily baby struggles while everyone else can voice out about their shitty day. How unfair is that?
We mothers deserve to let off some steam too without being judged but who am i kidding? Society already shame us for breastfeeding in public so that's why they invented those uncomfortable nursing capes. Why don't they give a us a break already after we have gone through so much physically and mentally. Shit heads.
Gonna be super frank about Mariko here, she's just like every newborn- downright "annoying"
Yep babies are cute, adorable or whatever word you use to describe them especially if they are not yours but behind closed doors these lil monsters show their true nature. They cry day and night during every waking moment without reason (not hungry, clean diapers, no colic and warm clothes) because that's their way of communicating with you. Though i know this but the way she screams is just so heart wrenching and i can't do much about it except drop everything and try to cradle her in my arms until she stops crying. The moment i put her down, she continues her episode again and this goes on and on like an endless cycle everyday. This is definitely sure to drive any sane person up the wall and imagine what does this do to a partially nut head like myself. At times like this i wish i had my numbing medication but you can't take anti depressants while breastfeeding.
This mental stress was one of the reasons why my milk supply started dropping, from being able to pump extra 2-3 full bags a day while being in the confinement home, i am even lucky to get 1 bag full out of 24 hours. Another cause of it aside from the stress was not getting enough food (no time to cook for myself) and sufficient rest as i have to stay up to observe and nurse a sick baby making sure she doesn't stop breathing in the middle of the night.
During her recent hospital visit from my instagram update it was because she had breathing difficulties and apparently diagnosed with bronchitis but there isn't much we can do as she's only 1 month old so we gotta wait it out and manually help her in the process like i had to suck out her mucus from her nose using my mouth lol sounds gross but once you are a mom after being peed on, pooped and puked on daily, a lil mucus seems nothing.
Another thing i've learned from nursing Mariko was always wear a mask near a sick baby as their germs seems to be extra harmful to adults. To a baby it might seem like a common flu but once an adult contracts it, the outcome is torturous! I developed a fever and a terrible flu which lasted until now and it's been more than a week already so i have to be put on antibiotics which seems to be my daily medication instead of those multivitamins lol. After delivering the baby i was immediately prescribed antibiotics due to an infected burn on my leg and after finishing that i am now sick from the baby so back to the same meds again. But i do thank you guys for keeping us in your prayers for our recovery!
Maybe with the bad stuff first before a happy ending shall we? Lol. This year has been one HELL of challenge for me to make such huge commitments and changes to my selfish life (yes all single people are selfish) never did i expect to see myself as a mother right now or anywhere near this position in the future but some of these things just come when we least expect them to right because that's how life messes with us.
I've lost alot of things in 2016, first of all a person whom i deemed as my best friend and partner left me and did not acknowledge lil parasite at all (he never will), i've lost another old friend to cancer which she kept hushed from most of us in the circle, we miss you tons Narukids but we know for a fact you are no longer suffering but in eternal paradise :)
I couldn't find a proper job after i've lost my previous one at the end of 2015 after they abruptly closed down due to economy downfall so i was left looking for any job that could keep me afloat, so it was a series of working seriously underpaid full time jobs and hoping here and there for an offer slightly higher even if it's just RM100-200 extra. Sounds pathetic but can't do anything about it and till today i am actually still earning a fresh grads pay of less than 3k and the recent articles of fresh grads asking for 6k to sustain their living. Wtf man! How about us here who also have a toilet roll (graduates) and couple of year work experience under our belt but still earning a measly basic salary? And all these freshies asking for so much but yet nothing to offer in return and they ask me why interns get paid so low, think of it this way- you are being paid with the knowledge and experience from work which is beneficial for you once you have graduated.
Won't deny i did struggle financially for quite awhile before i found my footing after finding out i was expecting #mylilparasite. It wasn't a wise decision to keep a child at that point of time but i miraculously managed to pull through with all the extra freelance job i had throughout the year from my blog, being a content writer and minor fashion designing that contributed to Mariko's savings which i am grateful for. Could say that i spent most of my 2016 worrying over my financials because of all the commitments i got myself into.
Another huge decision i made was i bought my first car (2nd hand) and finally drove after 5 years of not touching the wheel lol it was one of the best decisions made but i am RM250 poorer every month paying back the loan. Without the car, i wouldn't have been able to be fully independent especially when i had to go for my monthly obgyn visits all the way in Kajang and now bringing my baby for her check ups. But to be really honest having a car you'll actually save more in terms of time and some money as public transport isn't all that cheap these days and when you calculate your overall costs (roughly almost the same but one offers you comfort), car vs public transport you are sure to get a car instead.
Electronics officially HATES me
Anything that's electrical will definitely die on me even before their expected KO dates, like how my laptop totally stopped working out of the blue, phone camera is officially unusable anymore, external hard disk is showing really concerning signs like unable to read it whenever i plug it into my laptop and last but not least the fridge. Remembered when i first moved into my current place i posted up that was looking for a 2nd hand fridge as that was the only budget i could afford. Managed to find one but it died within 3 months leaving me so upset as i wasn't ready to spend another couple of hundreds just to get a new fridge. But in the end i NEEDED a fridge or else how am i going to store my breast milk supply, so thank god lazada had the option of paying via installment for 6 months which helped eased my spending burden abit. To some people RM700 might seem like a small sum but it's painful for me to give it all out at once as i have to think of paying other stuff as well like medical bills, rent and my car.
In general i spent alot on NECESSITIES and hardly got to treat myself well as a result i pushed myself to work harder so that i may have some savings for my baby but had to risk my health in the process. I never had an enjoyable pregnancy journey like other mothers, i had to do alot of hard work and sacrificed my sleep, didn't had any partner to assure me that everything was going to be alright before my final push. It sucks, honestly it does very much and instead of saying that life isn't fair to me, i knew that by selecting this path it was going to give me this result. You can say i ASKED for it but i am still surviving till this day, just shows that i am capable of anything if i put my mind and efforts to it *pats self on the back*.
Now that the fridge is out of the way, i need to get a deep freezer to move my milk supply over as i can't close my current freezer door anymore and i am taking a huge risk of spoiling it if it does not freeze properly, especially now that my current low produce the frozen supply is so precious. But i needed to get my laptop, phone and external hard disk replaced at the same time and from the looks of it, it could easily reach up to 10k just like that. So that left me in a huge dilemma on which i should get first as they are all equally important to me but after calculating the total costs it was too much for me to afford at all without feeling the huge pinch in my bank account.
And along came a miracle when a mysterious person decided to donate to me his old laptop which i am currently using to right now. No words could thank this good Samaritan enough for slightly easing my burden and i wish i could repay his kindness. Though we spoke to each other briefly, one of his words left me in awe; "you can repay the kindness by passing it forward", this seriously triggered my tears. In my entire life i've learned that everything comes with a price and people only offer help because they want something in return but this kind man did not want anything but to spread the generosity to other hoping that this small gesture will spread out making the world a better place.
It gave me hope that genuine kind people still exists and there's hope for humanity after all, Thank you sir and may God bless you and your family abundantly.
The Failed Relationship
Biggest lesson in 2016 has taught me that i am stronger than i credit myself to be and i don't need a man in my life to make me whole and complete. Also you can't love someone when you can't even love yourself, i know i have body image issues and tons of insecurities but it's time for me to put all those behind me and learn how to accept myself as it is.
If i am not satisfied with my body, i should take control and do something about it instead of moping around dwelling in self pity.
Yes, i love him with all my heart till this very day but my feelings no longer mean anything to him so time to finally let go than continue this toxicity that leaves me feeling so miserable everyday. If there is one thing i know about love, it's that i can never love anyone else as much as i did for him and as cheesy as it might sound it was a love at first sight for me 8 years ago but took him 6 years to finally notice it and 1 year to just leave me broken. Thank you for the wonderful memories together as friends and lovers, you'll always be missed and i wish you well in your new relationship. At least i have Mariko in my life now.
Learning to be Thankful
Blessings comes in many forms whether we noticed them or not, sometimes it hard to identify them in this fast paced life but when you finally do stop to smell the roses, you'll be surprised to find these blessings right under our noses. With every storm there is always a sliver lining, though the unfortunate events always outweighs the good ones at that point of time we shouldn't let it be the deciding factor of our lives. I always tell myself that i am plain unlucky in life, nothing ever falls into place because God hates me, but to think of it, it is actually a state of mind i choose to put myself in hence making me into such a pessimistic person. It isn't bad to be pessimistic, shows that you have a grounded and realistic mindset but the key is to be balance which i am clearly lacking of.
So for this year, i shall try my best to be slightly be abit more positive because if i don't practice doing it now, how else can i tell my daughter that everything is going to be alright during her lowest moments.
Last year i learned how to filtered out the fake friends from the genuine ones after learning how badly i've been back-stabbed by people whom i considered as "close friends" including my ex partner. So i kept my circle of friends small and that was the best decision i have ever made for 2016 because less drama and unnecessary stress. To those that has a problem with me, i would just eliminate them from my life without any notice because i don't need another idiot to mess up my life further. Makes me feel abit wiser lol.
Sometimes old friends aren't always the ones who stay by our side forever but in the process we do create new ones in the most unlikeliest of places that's bond is stronger than the last one. You guys know who you are :)
So my own so called "goals" is for my own personal well-being- to be more patient, to be kinder, to be selfless and of course to count every single blessing no matter how big or small.
As a Mother- To learn more and guide Mariko as best as i can.
For my work life- To be more hardworking, to have better time management and learn breathing techniques to deal with idiotic people (or just get a punching bag).
Would like to thank everyone for lending me their support, encouraging words on my blog, all these means alot to me though you might not know it. Also those who were kind to contribute to keep this blog running, but now the funds will be used to raise Mariko instead :)
That's all for my long ass post, was supposed to be longer as i have more elaborate stories to share but Mariko needs me now, so i'm ending this post here :)
Have a blessed New year everyone!