Guess it's finally time
I know this is not goodbye because we'll soon meet again someday. Would like to thank every single one of you for the kindness, generosity and emotional support you have given me and my family over the past 1 month. It was difficult for me to even think of holding her a memorial service or buying her a columbarium to put her urn in because part of me who's still in denial state, thinks she's alive but just at a daycare center called heaven, only thing is that i can't take her home every evening like i usually do. Told myself i really can't do this because it's just too painful even at the thought of it but as the days go by slowly staring at her empty bed and talking to her ashes, i gradually came to accept the fact that she's really gone for good.
I miss her so much, i really do and going out to meet people scares me. That feeling of just wanting to avoid the world as much as possible so i can just stay home and hug her ashes close to me.
It wasn't easy dragging myself out to meet clients, go about doing things i need without the feeling of anxiety creeping through my skin and bones. Times and times again whenever i am out, i would just sit in the car and have a good cry before i go for my next meeting.
Whatever happened to me? I wish i knew too. This thing we called "grief" has taken over what's left of my crumbled fragile existence.
But having to take one step at the time to get out from this dark and lonely place is something i need to do or have to do eventually, so that's what i am doing now. Slowly but surely.
Thank you all for giving my family and i the space we needed to mourn in peace as we go about carrying out our daily routine. The condolences and heartwarming messages that flooded my messenger box and email, reading them one by one and replying them as best as i could (i do apologize if i have missed out some) without tearing like mad every single time has proven to be a difficult task.
Last but not least to all of you who have contributed to help us out, whether it's financially or emotionally, thank you so much and i wish there are other words besides thank you to express my gratitude. Every single one of you are amazing and beautiful, and if i could meet each of you to say it in person and give a hug, i would. I know some of you are not from Malaysia or outside of Kuala Lumpur, i do hope you have received my gratitude email and hopefully someday we are able to send virtual hugs that you can feel from across the screen.
From what you all have shown me, I will try my very best to pass this kindness forward as long as i still draw breath on earth.
There will be a simple and small memorial service in memory of my beloved daughter Mariko (#mylilparasite) at Living Room Church this coming Saturday (11th March 2017) at 10.00am.
You are more than welcome to join us for the service or pay respects. Though the plan was initially just for family members and close friends, but i do feel everyone of you who have followed us throughout our entire journey from the day she was conceived, born and passed, shared our struggles, sorrows and happiness should also at least get to say goodbye to her. To me you are our family (Mariko & i) as well.