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Hello Darkness My Old Friend


I once had a favorite T shirt with words that went;

" Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence"

Little did i knew that it was lyrics from a 1964 soft rock song by Simon & Garfunkel. 
I loved the shirt because it was given to me by my favorite uncle as a Christmas gift and it had a furry cat on it as well (yes, i was a crazy cat person since i was a kid). As a 8 year old, i somehow found the words attractive to my child brain at that time but did not think too much about the meaning of the words or if it even made any sense because what does a child know right? 
It was only a decade later i found out it was actually a song as i heard someone sang it along to the strumming of his guitar and it was none other than a guy who called himself "dishwasher", not sure how true that was about him liking to wash dishes but oh well.
Fast forward almost close to 2 decades has passed and i hear these lyrics again on the radio today and how it somehow resonates my soul, so here i am writing this post with my mind blank as it has always been the moment you left me Mariko.

What am i going to do with life right now aside from finding things to distract myself from this emptiness? And the biggest question is, how long am i planning to run away instead of facing the fact that there's nothing more to life than to be born in this world, suffer and die but lucky you that you skipped the suffering part because your mother here is feeling the agony of having to wake up disappointed everyday that she's still alive and wondering when will her end arrive. It's a dreadful feeling, really and not like there's a solution to it and talking doesn't help either so i just keep quiet most of the time but there are so many things running through my head that even my fingers couldn't catch up writing so most of the time all my drafts were left at the first paragraph because in my head the story has been completed and forgotten. I've missed the opportunity to pen it down, AGAIN.

If someone cuts open my head up, i'm sure you'll see tons of words spilling out continuously and it doesn't stop and i believe it will still go on working even after i've been decapitated. At night i can barely sleep because my brain won't stop working..there's just so many things running through till i myself am struggling to keep up with it, i did noticed my speech has started to slur, spelling becomes difficult and i often have to reevaluate my sentences (even if it's just a text message.) at least 10 times before sending it out. So imagine how difficult it is for me to blog right now.. the brain isn't cooperating with me as it used to and it feels as if it's not mine anymore, not sure if i am going mad at this point or i am already crazy. Maybe i really am.

Don't ask me what am i thinking about because honestly, i don't know as well.
I don't know where to start or how to find my footing to take control of my brain again, for now i'll try my best to keep up with it by practicing to write down my thoughts faster before another story is gone to waste just like the rest.
There are certain rare occasions that my brain stops thinking, like it's literally the feeling of being brain dead; your mind is completely blank that you tend to drift away so frequently and can get you into a car accident if you so happen to be driving that day, happened to me a few times that i had to pull over at the side of the road just to slap myself hard.


What's wrong with me?


Is this what it's like to feel after you have lost someone you love?


Deranged?


I'm really lost that i do not know what to do with myself anymore and what worries me most is that my memory is definitely depleting fast..i can't even remember what i've done 5 seconds ago and it's scaring me. I do not want you to be a distant memory lil parasite, that's the last thing on earth and over my dead body; everyday i stare at your pictures, replay your videos just to remind myself that i once had a daughter named Mariko whom i loved so much that nothing else mattered in this world.
Please stay, i beg you.

I'm not ready to let go of you or our memories just yet, i want to still dream about having you in my arms, your smiles and laughter and our breastfeeding sessions; i would trade any other part of my memory willingly to keep the ones with you but unfortunately that's not always the case.

A few days ago i found a single grey and black feather near my seat by the balcony sliding door; wondered which bird could have lost one of its precious feathers in my house but from the looks of it the bird must be really small since the feather was only an inch long.
Later that night i came across an article talking about feathers and its symbolic meaning when it comes to a passing of a loved one, each colors has different meanings which was rather an amusing coincidence. It's not something i believe in 100% but i would most definitely would like to hold on to that idea of possibility.
I'm starting to sound like a desperate, insane person wishing in every way possible that i will be able to see you again.

All i ask is to just stay with me as long as you can Mariko.





A restless soul,

CONVERSATION

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