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LilParasiteTales | Mother's Day



Dear Mariko,

I know you are never going to read this but it's alright. Mama just wanted to get this off her chest so that she can breathe a lil after this. It's that time of the year again when we are haunted by commercial celebrations that what used to be meaningful but now nothing but a reason for mothers to show off on social media just for public approval or to make other mothers feel like shit.
Makes me dread mother's day so much because since young, children are taught to show their affection through gifts on this particular celebration, instead of being taught to appreciate our mother daily, we think it's alright to compensate them with a gift once a year to make up for the rest of the 364 days of being an ass.  So not alright, what is society trying to teach children?

People might think i am bitter towards this occasion because i've lost my daughter. Yes, i don't deny i envy every single mother out there in this world shoving to my face that they have a great kid who makes them craft gifts from school and telling them "i love you mummy".

A year ago around this period i wasn't aware that i'll soon be a mother, fast forward a year later instead of celebrating and creating beautiful memories with my daughter i am reminded again how i am alone in this world because my one and only living child is dead.
What a way to be reminded that i am "not officially a mother" because i have no child to care for anymore.

Two things I'll never hear from my daughter. "Happy mother's day and I love you mama". Nor will i ever see your milestones like your first steps, your happiness,your sorrows and the future you were robbed of 

I'm so attached to my own baby more than a person has known and loved another human being for decades.


It's dreadfully empty. Nothing can fill the void you left in my mind and heart, it's killing me every single day and it shows on my face. That's all i can say, everyday feels like this and there's no way to stop it. Is this my punishment? An eternal torment for my mortal self and it only gets worst instead of better. Day by day I have the feeling that we'll never meet again whether in heaven or he'll because it's destined for me to suffer alone.
Can't even face my own mother to wish her tomorrow because of  all the pain i have caused from the day i told her that i've decided to be a single mother and the passing of her first grandchild. I know my current state worries her alot, but i am trying my best to put on a fake smile everyday so that days goes by much more bearable. I would continue being in this facade state if it makes my own mother happy to see me smiling again.


And don't tell me 
"you are still young and can have more children near future"


Do realised how apathetic and disgusting you are for saying such words to a grieving mother?
What makes you think that we would want to put ourselves through this ordeal all over again, like once isn't enough to scar us for life? 
I've already lost 2 children for goodness sake, so don't tell me or any other grieving mothers out there "it's alright and all those bullshit" because it's not alright and don't relate our situation to a death of a pet or a relative because it's not the same.
Let us grieve in peace, and if you want to be supportive just lend a listening ear and some words of comfort rather than telling us that we are pathetic and should get over it.


So to all the grieving mothers in the world,

I can not say that i know of the pain you are going through because we all handle it differently and the only fact we can relate to is that we lost our own flesh and blood, part of us died with our child because part of us made them.

Just know that you are not alone in this, so many of us here are still grieving even after many years and it doesn't stop because we have met and held our child for that brief moment of time and how we would do anything to go back in time again.
At least our children are in heaven waiting for us to reunite with them one day.


A Grieving Mother

This life on earth is temporary but memories created is what makes life more fulfilling,
For i have waited so long to finally hold you in my arms, just place you in your final resting place,
 it's just not fair. 
Why couldn't it be longer?
But how i remembered your smile and laughter, that beautiful face of yours,
You are the reason why i have not ended my life, 
you gave me hope when there was none 
But took it away as well on the day you went;
And left me as a forever grieving mother who just yearns to hold her child once more

- Arisa (13/5/17)


---------------------------------------------------


If only we could, silly Pooh bear.




A special thank you to Grace from Memento for making this keepsake for me which i wear it close to my heart everyday. You have made my daughter's ashes and my breastmilk into something beautiful and i never expected that it was even possible to do so until you messaged me that day offering your condolences. It was like God answered my prayers and sent you to me, i'm grateful that we crossed paths.

Every time when i am feeling upset, i'll just hold the necklace close and cry to it like how i usually talk to her urn. It gives me relief to know that she's always with me, it gives me strength to function normally rather than feeling so reluctant to be away from her.



The finger bone was a symbol of our promise that i will bring you along with me to Kyoto again on your birthday and i intend to keep that promise; you will see the beautiful autumn leaves.

I'm not the usual kind of woman who likes jewelries unless they have a significant meaning, and having this made from my very own breastmilk, hair, Mariko's ashes & bone; this alone tells a story and i'll make sure to always cherish it.
When Grace asked me what i wanted for the design, i had no idea but the only thing i could say was "she was an autumn baby". Out of this sentence and with the limited precious resources she managed to create these. Couldn't help but to shed some tears when she sent me this photo, it's like i see my daughter in them and how stunning they were.


Photos by Memento

Grace isn't your average breast milk jewellry crafter, she's one of the most benevolent and passionate artist i've ever met and her noble purpose creating this brand Memento, is to help mothers out there to heal and preserve their memories whether they have lost their child or they had to stop breastfeeding into something they can look back and smile at someday.
I've seen many commercialized breast milk jewellry makers out there in the market but none like Grace's and that is my honest opinion by the way.

Was really shocked and thankful when she offered to meet in person just to hand collect and return my daughter's ashes after knowing i was worried about how the local courier services handled such precious cargo and she is based in East Malaysia, that's like a flight down. Never in my life i've seen such dedicated and sincere person who's willing to come so far just to meet me.
May God bless you and your family abundantly Grace.

If any of you who wants to get a keepsake done, i would highly recommend her services.



XOXO,

CONVERSATION

2 comments :

Allyn.ah said...

I know my words may mean nothing but I wish you all the love in the world and my one day you find solace and peace...

Nathan Dwyer said...

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