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If you are in for an adventure paired with lengthy, quirky, brutal honest thoughts then you are in the right place.

My name is Arisa and was a cosplayer for 12 years in Malaysia before settling down in Kyoto, Japan. Exploring Japan full time has been a long time dream of mine, so let's explore it together!
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Lil Penguin | 1st Month - Welcome M. Eva Yoake

3/ 10/2018

This post was supposed to be up last week but i was away for work, better late than never so here is lil penguin's first month update!

Let me start by being real, it’s been a struggle of not having a proper straight 6 hours of sleep since we brought you home and I still find it surreal that you are here in my arms instead of kicking me to death from within my belly. I’ll surely miss those moments except the back and rib pains along with some panic episodes lol. Now it’s going to be a life long journey nurturing and watching you grow up, maybe someday have a family of your own too. Darn I’m already tearing up like mad and I’m not even done with the first paragraph yet! Trying to imagine our life together as a family, the challenges we’ll face, questions we have to eventually answer, all those just seems too overwhelming to me right now or maybe it’s the hormones still out of whack. 

  2 days old, you were so tiny with such big eyes!

But here is my letter to you Eva Yoake, you might love or hate your unusual name but eventually you’ll accept it as you grow. Of all names why that, why not a simple Japanese name like the rest of the kids whom you’ll eventually make friends with right? Partially you can blame me your mom for insisting on a middle name and your dad agreeing to it lol, since you are of a mix parentage it only made sense to give you a name that’s easy to pronounce for your family members back in Malaysia especially your great grandmother, she would most definitely appreciate that.

“Eva” means “Living” in Hebrew (or Eve in many European Languages), in my family we are all given Hebrew names derived from the bible, it’s has many meaningful and beautiful names, also saves me the trouble of shortlisting so many other names out there. I believe that our names outlines our characters and also you are my only living child to date, for that I thank and praise God every day that you are here despite the sleepless nights you put both of us through (but it’ll pass eventually/ hopefully).

“Yoake” means “dawn” the exact moment you were born; I spent ungodly hours in the morning in labour and pushing before we welcome you into this world and they say giving birth gets easier after the first, to me it still hurts like heck but at least it was faster this round (3 hrs in total).

Dawn marks the beginning of a new day, daily; a reset of yesterday and we look forward to what the future brings instead of dwelling on what has happened.

We hope that your name reminds you to look forward in life every single day regardless how hard it may seem. Nothing is impossible and the world is your oyster my dearest daughter.

It was actually a funny story on how we couldn’t think of a suitable Japanese name for you and your papa kept suggesting tons of “kira-kira/ fancy/weird” names like “poko/ peko chan”, you should seriously thank me for not allowing it lol, because of that you were kinda nameless at first so we resorted to calling you “penguin chan” for the first 2 weeks lol. You should see how baffled some people were with that nickname.

This was a weird coincidence for us because the night before you were born while I was still enjoying my limited edition Haagen Daaz ice cream while you gave me terrible backaches that made me slouch on the sofa in all sorts of weird positions while whining nonstop, and out of the blue your papa told you to come out the next day at 2pm right after his appointment to spare mama the torture (and his poor ears from my whining) but guess he should have said “14.00” instead because Japanese people don’t use “AM & PM” method to tell the time (they use 24 hrs method instead of 12 hrs). True enough my contractions started building up at 2am (lol not pm) and I swear the pain isn’t something I’m fond of nor would like to remember in this life time. My only relief was hearing this song by Avril “Head Above Water” and prayers that everything will go quick and smooth before I break your papa’s hand (kidding, no really).

No epidural this round as well as much I wanted it because in Japan they believe a natural birth doesn’t need any medical intervention like painkillers unless we are going for induced or c-sec. I swore at that moment I felt like dying just from the pain itself, I couldn’t breathe properly as the contractions grew stronger and closer.

The 3 hours of contraction pain I’ve endured till pushing you out and feel as if my body was battered over by a speeding 1000 tonne truck (technically it’s not really possible for something this heavy & huge to achieve such speed & velocity, you’ll get this if you study physics next time but it’s just a metaphor by the way lol), is worth it seeing you open your eyes and hear you cry out for the very first time. My first thoughts were, “why does she look like our penguin plushie?” Really, it’s no joke haha till you started looking more of your papa as the days passes by. 

  This penguin lol, it's name is "Koupen-chan"

I just wanted you to know that you are loved by mama & papa very much because we waited very patiently till this day to meet you, remember even if you get your heart broken in various situations always know that we are here for you till our last living breath. My only wish is for you to grow up happy and healthy, don’t leave before me because I can’t bear to bury another child, it hurts me a lot till this very day that you’ll never get to meet your older sister (she’s 2 years older than you by the way).

When the time is right I’ll tell you more about her, I’m not sure if I’m ready to give you another sibling but I’m happy with you alone my precious girl. Though you might get rather lonely and start asking me for a sibling but who knows I might change my mind (or not lol).

Every night mama can’t sleep well knowing how fragile your life is, I wake up in jolts and cold sweats just to check on your heartbeat and I apologize for waking you up suddenly while you are in deep sleep just to make sure you don’t slip away under my watch. It really gets to me and your father knows it as well, my paranoia isn’t something to be taken lightly.

I’ve cried many times while I’m alone in the bathroom, shower or while your father is away at work because I know there are many things beyond my control. At times I wish “SIDS” never existed, having no explanations for it just speculations and possible precautions that doesn’t 100% guarantee your mortality rate. It’s heart wrenching really.
I know human life is very fragile regardless of age, anything can happen and with a blink of an eye you are gone just like that. Death doesn’t discriminate, it comes for everyone when their time is due whether the rest of us living accepts it or not, I only can pray that your time would be longer than mine.

Before having you, I always thought I had nothing else to lose in this world after I’ve lost your older sister. Everything else I had was materialistic, which I can let go anytime without thinking twice till I met your father, he made me believe there is hope even during our darkest moments and I hope you’ll find someone like your father to be your life partner, a real keeper indeed. 

There is a whole life laid out for you, waiting to be explored and know that mama will support your dreams (make sure to convince me logically first lol) whatever it may be, don’t let the world tell you who or what to be or how you should live your life, no one else can determine our life’s path except ourselves. As you grow and understand humans better, you’ll know how ugly they can be and finding good ones is literally a needle in a haystack task but never give up nor let your guard down. 

My Chubby mischievous lil penguin

I’m not sure what other advice I can give you for now because mama is sleep deprived at this moment, but I’m sure I’ll figure things out along the way. Meanwhile let me enjoy snuggling you in my arms and kissing your squishy baby cheeks while they are still there because I know you’ll soon won’t need me to hold your hand anymore. I won’t deny that I’ll probably be the most emotional person ever when that time comes so please bear with me lol but I promise I won’t embarrass you in front of your friends (fingers crossed).

1st Month Milestones
Babies these days are surprisingly advanced, feels kinda scary when the baby decides to lift their fragile necks without any support especially during burping sessions. Her legs are the strongest as she can easily push herself upwards if her feet is against any hard surface. 
Eva's hearing and eyesight definitely became slightly more sharper so she response well whenever we try to talk or sing to her. Occasionally her response would be all sorts of funny sounding coos before she gets irritated and cry because no one gets her lol. 
Still jumpy as ever even to the slightest noise will make her cry for like 10 seconds before going back to sleep lol. The funniest I found so far was her being shocked with her own poop bombs and farts, she will wail like the world is ending every time it happens. Sounds almost like a Banshee actually haha.
She's slowly starting to self entertain abit especially when she's not sleepy. Best achievement was a solid 7mins of her looking all around without crying, not bad for first try. 
Her sleeping and binging sessions are still pretty much unpredictable so it keeps me in particular up all night, I do hope during the 2nd month she slowly starts to stretch her sleeping hours so we can finally sleep as well. Lacking of sleep makes me quite irritable, you wouldn't want to talk to me especially when my brain and eye sight is as fuzzy as the baby's. 
Eva's appetite really took a 360 degrees turn from drinking 50-60ml each feed to nearly a 100ml, I can roughly gauge how much because each side of my Oppai produces about 90ml, it's completely empty after each feed. During her cluster feeding period (super tiring for me) she also had a visible growth spurt suddenly became much chubbier all over and also taller. During early 3rd week she was only 3.4kg now it feels like we are carrying a bag of 5kg rice lol, our backs now hurts everytime we have to pick and put her down in the cot. 
Just like that she also outgrew the sink which we had been using to bath her as she was initially too tiny for the bath tub we bought. what happened to our tiny little baby??
My most favorite milestone is Eva learning how to smile and laugh more now, also her smile is really beautiful though she does it out of the blue which can be sometimes scary because what the heck is she smiling/laughing at?? Or maybe it's just gas smiles lol.

Now you are so heavy that carrying you like this is impossible lol

All i ask is don’t grow up too fast okay, we’ll definitely miss this moment that we can never get back again (but please sleep longer hours at night lol). Happy 1 month old Eva Yoake, next milestone would be your 100 days celebration! 

P/s: What i won't miss is you shooting poop and pees at me while changing your diaper, never knew you had such good aiming & timing skills. Not to mention the frequent vomiting inside my bra too, mama smells like sour milk 90% of the time thanks to you lol. 

Love your sleep deprived Mama & Papa Penguin! 


  1. May you grow up healthy and happy.

  2. God bless you little Eva. You are so loved ♡

  3. How cute <3 may Eva grow up strong and healthy!


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