LilParasiteTales | Reflective June

LilParasiteTales | Reflective June

• 6.11.2017

Hey #Mylilparasite,

It's June already and where has all those time gone to?

This day a year ago when i've made the biggest decision of my life to keep you after so many nights of tears and fears wondering if it was the right decision but truth be told is that there's no such thing as right or wrong decision since each of them has their own consequences whether they are desirable or not (varies from each individual mindset).

I told myself that this was my last birthday alone because i finally have you by my side and we can celebrate our birthdays together (i'll finally take effort to remember dates) but now i'm just reminded that you are gone for good and i'm lonely all over again. It's so much different compared to celebrating with others or maybe it's because the grief is still lingering inside though it doesn't show but i can definitely feel it consuming whatever is left behind till there is none.

As days goes by on earth ever so slowly, how i yearn to wake up to your cries and looking forward to your little baby milestones like saying "I love you" or "Mama" though i know in reality i'm never going to get any of those anymore. It's really easy for me to put on a smile outside everyday because it takes less effort compared to explaining why i'm sad inside. You have taken away my joy with you on the day you left and the sadness has spread like cancer eating me from the inside leaving me with just an empty fragile shell.

But i'll pull through for sure, somehow..as i always do.

Trying to be kinder to myself as well, not just others only

There are a few things that has changed over the last couple of months, i've started going out of the house again and started a new office job which i am content with for now. But when people ask me what do i plan to do for the future now? Truth is, there's no future for me and what's the point of planning so far ahead when it can be cut short anytime. I rather just take in each days as it goes, and make the most out of it.

Try to be kinder to myself instead of always being so harsh for not doing "better", and to not take life for granted because that kind of life has more regrets than space itself. Also started to practice this method called the "law of attraction" taught to me by your aunty YingTze, mama still has a long way to go but generally it has made me a more peaceful person rather than the past person who was quick to anger at every single thing, guess that's a good start and hope it progresses well from there.

Kept myself really busy with all sorts of projects just to keep my mind off things

Remind myself daily of the smallest blessings like "breathing"

I've also had a couple of epiphanies (mostly small ones) for the past few weeks since the brain won't give me a break and i'm just going to list them all out over here as a reminder to myself that no mother is made useless and each of us are made unique.

Just because a mother puts her child under the care of others, doesn't make her less of a mother compared to those who have the luxury of being a stay at home mom.

Have you all take a moment to step back and reflect on how hard it is for us mothers to part ways with our child every morning just so we can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. It isn't easy and it never does because when i was younger i have failed to realised the amount of sacrifice my own mother made for us until i was in the same situation.

She who conceived and choose to borne her child takes more than just love and dedication as a women can easily choose to end the pregnancy or walk away as she pleases because it is her right to. The amount of pain and suffering a child puts a mother through her lifetime can't be compensated with money so don't think buying her luxury items makes you a good child. 

All a mother ask is for your time and love, spend every bit of free time you have with her because you'll never know when it will be her last day on earth.

Never take things for granted and it shouldn't take death to make one realised that.

Help others in need doesn't matter friend or stranger

You allowed me to feed another hungry baby with your leftover milk.

That was one of my biggest achievement as a breastfeeding mother, being able to donate to others who needs it more and that little child's name is Kasper. He had such beautiful eyes that had a twinkle in them and heard of how he achieved his first few milestones like flipping over on his own at 4 months old, he is definitely a strong boy with a huge appetite and he'll grow into a fine young man.

Because of this, you have brought me to this beautiful family and i'm grateful for that, i'll try my best to support other fellow mothers out there who just needs a shoulder or an ear whenever things gets too overwhelming and stressful. As i wished someone had done the same for me when i was all alone, being a mother really does tests one's sanity and prayers alone isn't going to help much either. No joke.

Life is short so learn & try new things everyday, improve yourself

I've learned how to cook simple quick Japanese dishes like oden, nikujaga and okonomiyaki at home as seen on my insta-stories, not the greatest at presentation nor have good lighting since it's always dark by the time i'm home from work but at least they are edible. 

Bought more books to improve my language and fill up my time as well because i would rather have books as companions instead of humans.

My gift to myself

Simple oden, you can get the dashi from Daiso

You can search nikujaga recipe online, it's basically just meat and potato stew, reminds me of the nyonya Ponteh

Letting go of the past as in things we don't need or use

Starting to adopt and practice Marie Kondo's method of cleaning and storing does make it easier for one to let go of things they don't need without thinking twice (since you don't have any attachments left). Hoarding is definitely an unhealthy habit but it's normal for most households and to think of it how can a single person like me accumulate so much of junk and most of them are clothes i barely use since i can't fit into them anymore. So i've decided to do this once a month where i  prepare a box and dump the stuff inside to be donated at the Single parent's charity shop in Jaya One where they'll collect and sell the items and the money will be given to help single parents out there.

My house feels cleaner and so does my heart feels lighter that i can finally let my things go.

Be Patient and more understanding 

Being grateful is something that comes to a person who has finally come to the point of acceptance and contentment. Growing up we often do complain about the idiots we encounter on our daily life but failed to realised that all those trifle matters are inevitable because this is earth and majority of the population are people who think too highly of themselves thus making them think it's acceptable to behave the way they do which pisses us minority of normal people off till no end.

But after all that ranging, then what next?

Yes we vent it out at that moment of frustration as we do not want to accumulate and later cause a nuke explosion, but in the end we should just let go because thinking about idiots is honestly quite exhausting. Yes we can't do anything because they breed the most and live the longest (i rather be dead than to spend my mortal life suffering for almost a century). 

By practicing this method, i'm much calmer and no longer easily angered unless someone intentionally tests my patience with their stupidity. Actually for that hor.. probably i should give them more leeway for being mentally incapable yet in denial state.

Real friends stay, while acquaintances walks away 

I thank my friends who takes their weekend or evening off to meet and spend some time with me to catch up when before this all i ever did was isolate myself from everyone and those who truly understood me wouldn't get annoyed on why i keep turning down their invitations. There are many times i do feel socially handicapped hence i would retreat to my den and spend time writing out my thoughts instead of mingling around.

Think i've kinda exhausted my social quota for this month after weekends of fun like last weekend i got to meet real life Disney princesses (Rapunzel & Belle) thanks to Alex & Riez for being so sporting to join me on this crazy request! And being in costume for the meet at greet (wasn't intentional since we were only there to take pictures with the props) just made things even more memorable because bunch of nearly 30 year olds excited macam budak kecik and being stopped by many children who loves the princesses as much as we did for photos. It's nice to see them believe in fairytales and talk about them like they were real, such young innocent minds.

If Mariko had the chance to grow up, i would have made sure to introduce her to all the Disney princesses and made mini matching costumes for us to wear together.

 My cosplay partner in crime, hopefully more cosplays to come when we are not so busy with other commitments. We are getting old so recycle costumes are common.

Rapunzel couldn't find Pascal hence the face lol

 Finally we have a horse!

It might be my birthday month but it feels just like every other ordinary day to me because the sun still rise and sets, i'm still working on a weekend and the only thing different is that there is cake with a lighted candle to make a wish on, that's all.

I might have cried the night before wishing i could hug my daughter once more because that's the only thing i can ever ask for my birthday, my wish to be granted but it's impossible. No money on earth can ever give me back that happiness i've once felt seeing her smile for the very first time but nonetheless thank you everyone for taking the time to wish me Happy Birthday, i do appreciate the kind reminder that i'm ageing and have not achieved anything in life yet lel.

Thank you for the lovely surprise Alex! 

Tipu me say you were going to toilet manatau come back with a cake, cilaka.

Just a Random thought:

Had some time to wonder while i was driving about what happens when both parents have dominant genes and the answer was pretty obvious by just looking at your face #mylilparasite. Half of your face was clearly your papa's like having no eyebrows, tan skin and monolid (like most typical chinese people) while the other half like your long lashes, nose and lips are definitely an identical copy of mama's.

It's definitely a pretty good 50:50 ratio to think of it and i'm glad to have been able to see how perfect and pretty you were even though it was for a short time and will always wonder how would you look like if you had the chance to grow up. I wonder if there are any talented artist out there who can sketch pictures of you as you age every year because i really do want to see how you look like if you had that opportunity to age like the rest of us here on earth.

P/S: haven't bothered to proof read it yet because i'm rushing off to work but probably later.

XOXO,