Dear Lil Parasite,
It's mom here, even though you are still growing in my womb every second and constantly reminding me that you are there with your tiny kicks or nudges whenever i forget your existence because you are such a quiet child for now, i do hope you'll be like that as you grow up k?
Just wanted to say how much i love you even though i haven't met you yet, i am looking forward to the day of having you in my arms and watching you grow up to be a better person than both me and your asshole father, i am sure of that. This whole 9 months together has been a magical journey, it's something i shall cherish to my grave. I know this letter has been written long time ago, not sure when it's the right time to publish it but i guess that time is now, if not when?
You will not break hearts necessarily, nor walk away from your problems but in fact face them heads on like how every being should regardless of their gender which society likes to use as an excuse. Gender privileges never applies to me, because i believe we are all made equal except females have to bleed every month and bear the pain of child birth but that doesn't mean we are weak, the pain we endured regularly makes us stronger than men in most ways but that isn't a reason to scorn the opposite sex and ask for all those privileges.
As you are in my womb, i realised the only time i ever spoken to you is when i am truly sad which i have to apologize for being so emotionally unstable throughout this entire period. Wish i could speak to you about happier times but all i am ever clouded with is grief and sadness, no matter how many times i tied not to think of it but you remind me of those sadness.
I honestly do not want you to think that you are unwanted even though your father has abandoned you from the start, but i want you and please know that you are not a mistake nor did you ruin the potential life i was supposed to have ahead of me since i am still young according to most people but i honestly feel ancient already.
You gave me a reason to live on when i had none, you remind me that i am needed in life because you need me, you encourage me to face my fears because you were my first biggest fear which i managed to overcome, You taught me about acceptance especially when your father walked away not acknowledging you at all. Above all you are me and i am you. Thank you for existing lil parasite.
Yea..such fond memories of you doing this to me.
I do not want you to only know of your mother's sadness, you might have felt those tears rolling down my cheeks everyday but sometimes those tears are from joy as well, like your very first kick during 18 weeks of my pregnancy but still refused to reveal to me your gender. Tsk!
Probably 8/10 of the times i've cried would be because i am still learning to accept that i am alone in this world, as it's everyone for themselves but you would remind me in the end that you'll be there beside me soon whenever the world feels bleak at my feet again.
Sometimes i wish i could provide for you better, better home environment, a complete family with a father's love, all the things you could ask for (be reasonable okay?) but i don't think i'll be able to fulfill any of them as all i can do is try my best and when you are grown up one day, hope you can see that all i did was out of love like every mother would do for her child.
I wasn't a very good daughter to my own mother (your grandmother) as i made her life a living hell even as a kid i was already fighting back and being such an ass for no apparent reason. Not sure when you can start reading this post but if you can start early that would be a great help lol.
As i grew up, made even more mistakes in life that left huge scars which can never be erased like the time i gave up your first sibling out of fear, i had it killed before it was given a chance to show me its heartbeat. Imagine how painful it was for me to live with that knowing what i've done, who knows it could have been alive if i've just waited abit more longer for it to grow bigger and stabilized or even to ask for a 2nd opinion elsewhere rather than to dismiss it immediately.
When we both found out about you, your father initially wanted to end you as well but i know if i let that happen i might as well go kill myself because how can i live with such guilt all over again, especially after the first incident. I swore to myself that i will bring you into this world to atone for my previous sins and to also finally have peace with myself regardless what everyone says or think about raising a child single handedly. We'll just hope that one day asshole father of yours comes to his senses and gain some humanity at least.
Hope you can learn from my mistakes (and his as well) to be a better and wiser human being, life may throw you lemons but always throw them back instead of settling for lemonades because those are for the weak and you are not.
You don't owe the world and the world doesn't owe you so don't be like those useless strawberry generation everyone is talking & scorning about.
Just be yourself, have compassion, be patient (irony coming from an impatient person like your own mom lol) learn to accept yourself and always have an open mind. Just live life and be happy for the both of us.
p/s: crying just wastes tissues, so best is to not cry at all and save the environment.
Also please don't hate your father, he might have been an asshole as everyone has their own reasons for their actions but that doesn't give us the rights to condemn them. Yes, i was angry with him for the longest period of time even though i do not show it, but he was the best man i ever knew and could ever ask for, he gave me his friendship (started off because i bullied him), opened himself up to me despite being such a tight shut git like an oyster trying to hide it's pearl. It was a long journey before he came to be by my side for a brief moment and then leaving me all over again like how he once left to pursue his studies overseas. It's heartbreaking indeed, but you can't force someone to stay if they never once loved you like how you love them, that's how life messes with you.
Instead, love and accept him as he is both the good and bad, after all part of him has made you as did i. One day he'll realized what he has done or maybe he'll live his entire life ignoring your existence (that's most likely, knowing his nature) but don't let that affect you instead rejoice that you don't have to put up with a crappy Asian father like how i did. After all you father is a man of his word, once he said it, he really means it and no one else can change his mind, guess he is stubborn that way. But that's the part i loved about him, a man of his word not the fickle part of it.
But do remember this word and how you choose to interpret it in life is important-
腐れ縁As humans we are all bonded with an invisible string called fate/ relationship, whether its destined or made it is something for us to explore and embrace. Don't ever run away from it, because it will come back to haunt you.